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  Back to Parents' Voices Sugared Three

HUSBAND/FATHER

© Copyright Arlene G. Mishanie and Mark E. Mishanie, 1997.
Used with permission.


Me, NOT YOU

ME, having it.
Me, getting it.
Still, mysterious in approach.
Still, a perplexing wonder
a wonder of wonders.

ME, having it,
Me, getting it,
Me, living with it,
Me, so young,
Me,
strange,
Me, strange, Me.

How?
Why?
Having it! Getting it!
Me.

VEINS

Silent disease,
glorious killer
how could that be?

Can't be.
Look the same,
appear the same,
Can't be.

Veins, eying the veins of the
body.
Blue veins, nice veins.
Sugar problems,
How, veins,
Nice veins,
Nice blood flow.
Feel good.
Feel fine.

Can't be.
Can be.
Veins, never lie.
Can't be.
Can't be.
The end.

WORLD BLANKING OUT MOLECULE BY MOLECULE

Diabetes, insulin, diabetes, insulin, a hormone, insulin.

World twisting,
world swaying,
sugar low,
sugar level dangerously low.
World blanking.

Moving, things twisting in the wind, insulin, mind, twisting in the wind.
One step further, one more.
Pretend, all is right.
Don't want to seem drunk, insulin, don't want to appear different.
Take the glucose,
stuff the candy,
Quickly,
quickly
hurry, insulin, hurry,
quickly
move.

Mind doesn't oblige,
Mind is slow,
Mind is turning off.

Fears, hospital wards,
fears, comas, death,

Movement, hand to mouth.
Glucose, movement into mouth,
Movement, the world slowly coming back to itself.

The world, insulin, no longer twisting,
the world, insulin, no longer swaying,
For now, movement gone,
for now, for...

EAT - NO - EAT - NO - CAREFUL - NO

Put in the mouth,
bread,
cookies,
cake,
potatoes,
in,
put in,
grind with the teeth,
in and grind,
grind and in
digest,
enjoy
until
enjoy
until
body explodes,
itch,
skin itching,
body aching,
mind dizzy,
eyes blurry
eat
enjoy
until
until
until
problems

Answers,
don't eat
eat what is good
vegetables not starchy,
lean meat,
bread little,
flour little
rice little,
treats, little and measured,
always measured.
eat,
not enjoy
eat
measure
eat
ponder
eat
no smile.

Choices of two
what to do
when to do
how to do
In the end, winless,
maybe,
sad,
unhappy.
Eat
Yes
Eat
No
Forever more.

DIABETES, MY DISEASE, NOT YOUR DISEASE

Complaining to you,
disease, mine since twenty-three years of age,
my fight, my cross to bear,
mine, not yours.

You nod,
you return,
you speak of your disease,
skin disorder
funny name,
disease yours, disfiguring
ruining
disjoining,
your disease.

I fight back,
my disease,
Tell of symptoms,
horrors,
ultimate death.

You fight back,
Tell of symptoms,
horrors,
and ultimate shame of disfigurement.

I'm taken aback,
on the run,
you have me where you want me.

You charge.
Show the scars,
Show the ugliness of peeling skin,
Tell, the relationships that have gone sour because of the ugliness,
You tell. I listen.
Then I realize,
perhaps, perhaps.

Thinking of him, think of his disease, always do.
Think of him and wonder.
No conclusions.
No wonder.
Nothing to wonder about.
Disease,
one,
two,
three,
four,
five,
nothing to wonder about,
disease,
six,
seven,
eight,
nine,
the ending the same.
The human condition of being human.

YOU HAVE IT

I said you have it.
You do.
I say you do.
No denying.
You do.
You
Not You
You.
You.
I'm pointing at you.

Look at me.
I'm passing judgement.
yes,
it's easy for me.
passing judgement on the rest of your life,
making judgements,
laughing and thinking of dinner tonight and
making a judgement about you.

You.
No.
Yes, you,
no,
you and nobody else.

It's so easy.
Easy.

FOOLING PEOPLE

I'm like everyone else.
I am, for sure, for certain, I am.
But I must hide, to be like everyone else.
Hide the difference, stash it in a secret place.

Hide to be the same.
Don't hide and be different.
Choices, no choices.
Options, no options.

Secrets, the way of the man,
Secrets the ways of the Diabetic man.

WATCHING THE BODY

Sugar, in the blood, in the organs, sugar at summertime.
Effect, the body's effect.
Cuts, to,
cuts, on,
extremities.
Healing, cuts, sugar, in the blood, cuts, extremities,
cuts, extremities,
cuts, internal organs, cuts,

Cuts, healing processes,
slow,
eternity,
pain,
slow,
sugar, in the blood, in the organs, sugar at wintertime
healing
no
yes
eventually
healing,
slow,
eventual,
diabetes mellitus.
Disease and symptoms thereof,
Sugar, in the blood, in the organs,
Sugar at springtime
at fall time, at all time.

EYES A POPPIN'

Eye exam,
testing the eyes,
you have diabetes,
asking questions during examination,
you have it, doctor, how long have you had it,
when have you had it,
why have you had it,
eye doctor, no doctor, optometrist, eye doctor,
patient queried,
patient eyes doctor
doctor eyes patient,
feelings of fear, anxiety,
feelings.

Eye doctor who is not an eye doctor, who is a optometrist,
shakes head,
eyes, yours, diabetes, degeneration,
I'm afraid,
he's afraid.
Fear thick,
patient is thick with fear,
eye exam,
testing the eyes.
A better way,
must be a better way,
has to be a better way.

THE LITERATURE

Reading on the Fading Away Disease.
Diseases related to:
blindness,
heart disease,
kidney disease,
foot problems,
problems
disease,
problems
sickness
illness,
dying,
death,
the end.
Literature, not Greek but tragic.

Literature, articles,
degenerative disease,
going downhill,
the articles,
going downhill,
implied,
movies, going downhill,
television shows, going downhill.

Literature of popular culture,
downhill racer,
implied pessimism,
pessimism leading to the ending,
the ending without hope and dreams.

CONTROLLING IT!

To control IT
means controlling ME.
Hard,
controlling me, the uncontrollable,
controlling the lusts, the needs, the constant desires,
controlling the boredom of the day.

Controlling, a natural state,
Is it?
Can it be.
Controlling IT.
A horse with gates around it.
A horse with a saddle.
Domesticated animals once not domestic.
Dogs that used to be wolves,
cats that used to be lions,
controlling,
the idea of death
human death
but no alternative left,
no other way
no other possibility.

CARBOHYDRATES, CALORIES AND OTHER FUN THINGS

You can have ten carbohydrates or carbs as we say in the biz
or you can have save the carbs
and have the whatever,
or you can have twenty carbs, two proteins, eight fats and two
pairs of long-johns in exchange for twenty-five whatevers.
Or, you can have two hundred carbs, and four hundred proteins but without the twelve hundred ions,
comprising the fifteen hundred neutrons.

Life as counting,
counting as life lived in the fast lane.
Accountant to the stars,
bookkeeper to the lower classes,
pennies to the treasury,
counting pennies,
counting food,
counting.

Life lived in the fast lane.
Life lived in the carb lane.
Bothersome,
pedantic,
silly
weird,
absurd
but, but, but, but,

EXCHANGING

One apple equal to one orange.
Exchange the apple or the orange for the piece of bread.
The bread equal to the breaded chicken,
the breaded chicken equal to the stuffed Cornish hen,
the Cornish hen equal to the plate of rice,
the rice equal to the blueberry muffin,
the muffin equal to the soul of a man drowned in his own self-pity,
the drowned man equal to the...

Angry About EXCHANGING, which is equal to and can be replaced by...

COMING AT ME

Doctors coming at me with words, with instruments, with concerns,
nurses, coming at me with metallic instruments and tubes,
aides, coming at me with all sorts of pans and tissues and napkins and wheelchairs.

All there, a million against one,
one diabetic in distress,
one diabetic, scared by the world of the official, of the cut and dry,
one diabetic, confused by the mortality he is born into.

They, then, those that outnumber
never understanding,
none,
they, doctors, nurses, professionals all,
just going about daily routine
all,
going about life like there's nothing wrong.
But I, me, thee, him, the diabetic knows there is much wrong.

They, the Professionals, come, move, prod, speak gravely,
I am scared to death.
They push at me, tell me sad things, bad things, mechanical things.
I am scared to death.

Alienated, I am alienated, scared but alienated.
Me, who knows, who cares, nobody cares
or so it seems,
It appears.

FUNCTIONALITY LOSS

It's there, it's not there,
diabetes you're to blame,
villain, bad, bad disease,
hate you bad one, hate you.

Man, movement of procreational functions decreased,
moved away, destroyed,
circulation flow the cause, the bad, bad, disease the cause,
inevitable, frustrating, upsetting,
man, upset, man, angry, man, confused,
partner, confused, partner, mad, partner, mistrustful.

Functionality, procreational, male genitalia, loss,
inevitable,
circulation,
inevitable,
decrease leading to no-crease
inevitable.
Hidden things, distasteful things, things that are there, there are things.
A man wanting to be a man in the physical realm, cannot be a man, distasteful.

Ruination of mind over body,
ruination of will to life,
ruination of emotional stability.

It's there, diabetes, you're to blame,
without a doubt.
you're the destructor.
Repair, hope, sometime, a future time,
maybe.

PRETENSE

Pretending to be normal to you and me.
Pretending at home,
at work,
in the woods,
in the fields,
pretending to you,
pretending to me,

Will not admit the fact,
cannot admit the fact.
But what of the insulin reactions?
What of the time in the middle of employment?
What of the time when up before the class of children?
What of the time on the trip?
Fight it, struggle against it, pretend to everything, admit to nothing.

In sickness, high sugar, problems, complications,
admit nothing,
Work on the problem, bring the sugar down,
admit nothing,
don't admit a problem
admitting is bad,
in your mind, in my mind.
Cannot admit.

Pretense, all pretense and
chicanery,
being something other that what you are, what I am,
pretense, a good definition of the facts of the matter.

NIGHT THOUGHTS

Going to bed,
no, not at night,
try not to,
no, not now,
not sleep,
not unconsciousness, no,

Thinking,
must have thinking,
in the middle of the night,
in the middle of the lack of light,
life, thinking of it,
remembering life,
paying tribute to life,
always paying tribute,
thinking of sugar,
sugar fields, sugar dreams, sugar daddies,
sugar, and the problems with sugar, thinking,
remembering and recalling the problems,
remembering the problems based on sugar and its disease, diabetes,
thinking in the middle of the night, thinking of
diabetes, and the loss of years of life, possibly, thinking and wondering,
feeling bad, feeling good, thinking.

In the middle of the night when sleep is the world and the world is sleep.

HEALTH CONCERNS

Eating healthy, being healthy, he's the one,
the friend.
I'm not the one, never was and paid the price.

Eating healthy, being healthy, he's the one, the one that lost a
family to heart and lung diseases,
he's the one that works not to repeat history,
he's the one that watches the calories,
the fat, the proteins, the molecules in each slice of whole wheat bread,
he's the one that exercises and exercises,
he's the one who haunts the doctors' offices,
he, never me.

But I have learned,
seen,
observed,
I have heard his concerns,
his reasoning,
I am the one who has witness his desire to immortality of sorts,
I,
I,
and I appreciate the approach,
have learned from the approach,
I, me, have learned
and become a follower of sorts, of sort if not of body.

SICKNESS AT A STRANGER

With a woman,
good woman, don't know.
Bad woman, don't know.
Dating, the woman.

Sleeping with the woman.
Staying over with the woman.
Diabetic staying over.
Waking up the next day, a work day,
waking up with an insulin headache.
The night before, eating not enough,
the night before not watching the diet.

Headache, stomach disrupted.
Bulging pain.
incredible pain.
Cannot rise from bed.
Bed is the only comfort.

The woman watches,
the woman rants,
the woman raves,
the woman orders me out,
the diabetic out.
She will not have this,
she cannot deal with this.
Out, out into the cold street, sick or not,
out.

Good woman, don't know.
Bad woman, don't know.
But I have my thoughts!

HEAL, I SAID HEAL!

On the leg,
the accident,
on the leg, effected,
scab, on the leg, effected.

A wound, ripped, on the leg.
Weeks passing, painful, not infected, painful,
heal
painful, on the leg,
no infected.
heal.

Weeks passing,
changing little.
no healing,
heal.
Why me?
One accident and the price is paid.
Normal people, healing is instant or almost so.
Wailing.

Heal
Heal
Heal
Months.
Heal.
Finally.


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Last Updated: Wednesday March 16, 2005 16:44:58
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