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  Back to Parents' Voices Sugared Three

THE WIFE/MOTHER

© Copyright Arlene G. Mishanie and Mark E. Mishanie, 1997.
Used with permission.


INTRODUCING HER TO IT

Hello, I am the disease,
the disease you will get to know.

Hello there.
Hi there,
Yo.
Tidings to you.
Greetings to You.
Hello
from
I,
me,
the disease that afflicts your household,
Yo

You are free of it, me, the disease, I,
you are left standing.
But the child, the husband,
they are mine, will always be mine,
Yo.

Hello,
I am the disease,
greetings
Yo.

YOU, YOUR MOTHER AND DISCUSSION OF THE DISEASE

Diabetes, diabetes, diabetes, she keeps talking about diabetes.
Drop it mother,
forget it mother,
can't stand to hear it mother.
But nothing is said,
you hold your tongue,
nothing is addressed,
you hold your tongue, grin and bear it.
Mother, mother, mother.

Diabetes, diabetes, diabetes,
there will be a cure, there is hope,
Mother, mother, mother.
Talk, her constant talk,
Diabetes, diabetes, diabetes,
read, see, absorb, put in, learn, read, see, absorb.
Mother, mother, mother.

Diabetes, diabetes, diabetes,
where did it come from,
how did my grandson get it,
why, when, who, how, questions, more questions,
more thoughts,
more dissection,
Mother, mother, mother
how
who
mother, mother...
diabetes, diabetes, diabetes.

In the end, a daughter turns toward the void,
moves toward the endless silence,
in the end,
the daughter pretends the words of the mother,
diabetes, diabetes, diabetes
do not exist,
In the end.

UPBRINGING

A girl to a woman,
upbringing,
house,
everything white,
clean,
spick
span,
immaculately conceived,
everything,
fresh as the daisy, the flower, the bud that just opened along the highway,
fresh,
nice,
cheerful,
quaint, flower

Upbringing,
straight, like an arrow, straight,
very nice indeed,
indeed the word,
indeed the phrase,
indeed.

Straight until marriage,
straight until childbirth,
straight until child of birth grows into infant of birth
straight, like lines in the highway of life, straight,
straight and fresh like the newly opened flower, fresh like the newborn daisy.

Upbringing, until
then,
upbringing, straight, upbringing,
until, until, until
a disease strikes one that is close,
strikes, hits, bangs, maims,
inherited disease,
deadly disease,
controllable disease, but
a powerful force, evil force in a straight world,
evil, a force crooking the road,
evil, a disease splashing the picture with dirt.

Upbringing,
the past,
not straight now, now:
curved,
bending,
winding,

Upbringing,
not fresh now,
not as nice,
cheerful,
now as quaint now.

A reality changed,
a changed reality.

Recollecting Disaster

Doctor:
Checkup:
go with the child

See him:
Test.:
What?
No
See him
No.
What?

Next thing.
Next event.
Hospital.
Smells.
Hospital.
Smells.
Hospital.
White porcelain on antiseptic gray.
What?

Doctors.
More doctors
Needles.
Urine.
Urine,
Blood.
blood,
running.
nurses.
I.V.
V.I.
I.V.
V.I.
What?

Faces,
family,
tests,
family,
diagnosis,
family,
no belief,
can't believe
tests, no
doctors,
tension,
family,
upset,
disbelief,
family.

Reality - final
movement
slowing
reality
movement
movement stops
Reality!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

RESPONSIBILITY YOURS

Pressure, yours, on you, not him, not anyone else.
You, responsible, you, mother,
nobody else,
who else,
no one else,
absolutely not, not. no, no.

Alone, isolated with a child,
despairing and worrying,
dying and despairing,
with a child, dying and despairing.

No rhyme, reason, sense.
Responsibility, you, responsible, in charge, the one, you, it chimes in the mind,
you responsible for the sick one, the one with the disease,
you responsible for your son, not they,
any of them, you, the pressure on you, not they.

Don't care, they don't,
only you care,
they don't,
no pressure for them.
You are the one with pressure,
you,
you.

You care,
they don't,
you,
them,
the world,
outside,
you, them, the world, outside,
And its sad,
nerve-racking,
maddening,
every day,
day after day,
night after night,
minute after minute,
second after second,
nerve-racking,
maddening.

PARTNER-IN-LAW

I hate you, despise you, hate your every wrinkle,
the supposed provider, the supposed husband,
hate you for doing this to me,
giving me this burden,
your burden,
hate you.

Sugar in the blood, you gave it,
your son reaps it,
I reap the tragedy,
sugar in the blood, you gave it, I reap it.

Arrogance, you don't seem to accept your sins.
You don't seem to admit.
Doesn't it bother you?
doesn't it tear at your heart?
It should, it should tear.

It doesn't,
I burst,
I break,
I combust.

You go off,
you exist
you enjoy
without a care,
without the burden.

Sugar in the blood.
You gave it.
You, I blame you.

HUSBAND AGAIN

Resenting you, the other half of the marriage.
Easy to resent you and your habits.
Dirty, filthy, filthy, dirty, filthy pig,
filthy, dirty, filthy, dirty, dirty pig.
Diabetic, filthy, dirty, filthy, moronic buffoon, dirty pig.

Resent you,
resenting you,
resenting your habits,
resenting even the way you care for yourself.

Health wise, not taking care,
not observing the procedures,
not treat the diabetes,
why not, dirty, dirty pig, why not?

Take your disease seriously,
observe it, deal with it.
I will not observe your disease,
I will not care if you don't.
Observe, observe, but if you die,
dirty, filthy, buffoon,
if you die,
I shall look away.

Your fault.
Yours.

DIABETES MELLITUS AND YOU

You and me and diabetes mellitus.
Me, my life, diabetes mellitus, mellitus, me,
diabetes mellitus, not insipidus,
mellitus, Greek word, mellitus,
wearing away disease,
diabetes mellitus, wasting away,
Banting and Best, insulin, diabetes mellitus,
insulin pump, type 1, type 2, insulin, diabetes,
insulin, hormone, recently discovered,
recently made aware of.
You and me, diabetes mellitus

You are aware of me, diabetic sufferer,
you married me, diabetic sufferer,
you took a chance, didn't know, diabetic sufferer,
didn't know of insulin, shots, blood testing,
you knew nothing and married me, the diabetic sufferer.
You and me, diabetes mellitus

The first pregnancy,
diabetes mellitus, you have it, speaks the old doctor in the hall,
only temporary, says the doctor in the hall, only a brief stay in your body,
only during pregnancy, says he, the one in the white coat.
Shots, you take shots, insulin, hormone, pregnancy.
Pricking fingers, prick it, slice it, get the blood from it, and test the scales.
Learning, diabetes mellitus, you learn.
You and me.

Learn, some, learn about, learn the daily process.
It stops then. Goes away, diabetes mellitus, pregnancy.
Child born, it stops them.
Freed of it in yourself, diabetes mellitus, forget it, forget every troubling minute.
Forget.
You and me.

Then the baby, the boy, three and a half, the boy,
diagnosis, diabetes mellitus,
proven, not to be denied by mortal men.
Learning triggered again, little by little
knowledge of diabetes mellitus growing,
little by little knowing it all, little by little,
joining groups and talking
diabetes mellitus, knowing, you and me and diabetes mellitus.

Today, the woman, the wife, the mother, the scholar,
diabetes mellitus the game, diabetes mellitus the existence.
The facts, just the facts.
Diabetes Mellitus, you and me.

VIEWING THE FORCE

A classic struggle against a classic force,
like Homer's Odyssey, like the colossal Hercules daring to battle the supernatural,
Jason and the Argonauts,

Force,
all around,
evil force,
dark force,

Waging war, bitter war,
winning war, losing war,
constantly battling for rights,
battle, struggle, bing, bang,
sometimes it seems like the good end achieved,
sometimes like the evil is in retreat.

Then, sometimes, the setbacks,
the dark force, winding and tricking,
it wins,
it triumphs,
Never a doubt,

It wins, triumphs now,
hopeless, give up, surrender,
thinking, possible,
maybe, no,
cannot, fight it,
fight the hopelessness,
fight.

Eventually, the struggle, might prove worthy,
eventually, the darkness might be driven back for good,
maybe, possibly, hopefully, progress, movement ahead, success, triumph,
eventually the darkness might be put in a bottle and deposited in a cave,
maybe,
possibly.

The force, efforts, energy exertion,
mental energy, physical energy,
energy,
to push it back, the force,
push it, move it away,
the force,
And to destroy it forever.

Efforts,
more efforts,
continuing efforts.
A classic struggle.

NOT BEING PLEASED

He, pleasure, enjoyment of sensual kind,
he, pleasure, enjoyment of the physical kind.
No, no, signoretta, no, pleasure of the sensual or physical kind.

Please, him, man I married, he, no, pleasure of any kind.
No, him, no, why, no, why, no, needs, no, him, no.
Pleasure of any kind.

No pleasure, he not pleasuring,
not pleasuring because not performing,
not performing because not capable of performing,
diabetes, not performing, diabetes,
not able, not doing,
no, no, signoretta, no pleasure of sensual or physical kind..

Him, diabetes,
sexuality, male sexuality,
circulation,
movement of blood to organs of procreation also used as passion instruments,
no, pleasure, no, diabetes, no, no signoretta
cannot, unable, no projection, no firmness, nothing,..
No compromise, dissatisfaction, upset.

Questions, no pleasure, big questions, love questions.
No passion, diabetes, no passion, lack passion, lack blood flow.
Questions, impotency, physical, mental, impotency,
questions,
more questions,
diabetes,
questions.

Marriage, impotency, questions,
diabetes, questions.

NEWSPAPER LOOKS

New cures,
New drugs,
New ways,
in the newspaper, on television, everywhere,

Pumps, insulin pumps, on in the newspaper, on tv.
Scientists, doctors, on tv, talking, predicting,
Discussion,
hope
discussion
hope
implants,
hope,
diabetes Type 2 hope,
insulin production, hope.
Everywhere hope,
saturation of hope and hopefulness,

reality, up and down movement of sugar levels,
reality, the kidneys, the eyes, the heart, the feet, moving toward extinction,
real reality, real life and depressing every minute of the day.

And in the paper, new hope for depression,
new breakthroughs,
new ones.

INDEPENDENTLY SPEAKING

I'm very independent,
that's me, the girl with the degrees,
raised to be independent of any man,
raised to be free and true.

I'm very independent,
that's me, raised to be a teacher of greatness and a wife and mother of distinction,
but independent, not condescending to anyone, any man.

Independence, doing your own thing,
dreaming your own dreams,
going where you want, when you want,
independence, raised on being independent.

Then, the husband, diabetic neuropathy number 1,
then, the son, diabetic neuropathy number 2,
demands, demanding, demanding of time, demanding of attention,
meeting the demands, losing the independence,
meeting the demands, losing the self-esteem.

Performing, doing for the diabetics of the world,
and slowly, but surely getting shackled,
and cuffed, and worn down.
Performing for the diabetics of the world and growing,
weary,
resentful,
angry,
upset,
rebellious,
performing and not wanting to perform.
An independent dilemma.

WOMAN-TO-WOMAN

Meetings on the pancreas,
mothers of the children of the pancreas,
get-togethers to discuss, to share, to experience,
get-togethers to mourn the passing of health
get togethers to restore the passing of mental health and discuss the pancreas.

Women, gabbing, back and forth,
right and left,
pancreas.
All types of women,
all types in crisis with children too young to understand it all,
women serving as the caretakers of the infants with pancreas deficiencies.

Meetings on the pancreas,
what's accomplished,
anything accomplished,
women, accomplishments, pancreas deficiencies, women, accomplishments.
Just talking, being alive, accomplishment.

IN THE ARMY, MILITARY STYLE

She's always been doing things in the military style,
planning and plotting and charting and executing,
always organizing and pulling the trigger on the plane in the military style.
Consistency in approach, key to the military style, consistency everywhere.

Diabetes and the son,
the son and Diabetes and the military style.
Organization, shots twice a day, testing four times a day,
very good, excellent, good approach.

Eat this, don't eat that, meal plans,
plotting the course consistently and intelligent,
plotting and executing,
now the results,
in the style of the military.

Sugar levels twirling.
Failure.
Sugar levels flying,
failure,
All is failure,
no reason, no planning,
never enough,
never able.
Military Style?

Flying out of control,
no more in the military style,
diabetes, there it is,
diabetes, not in the military style,
can never be.

FRIEND BUT UNKNOWN

Years ago, at the University in the sky,
undergraduate as a student,
sharing dormitory space,
a friend, possibly, possibly-not.

The roommate,
strange girl,
culinary arts, an interest of she,
health, an interest of she,
always she, discussing sickness in her family,
always expostulating on low carbohydrate counts,
low fat, low sugar, low everything discussions.

You ignore,
you don't care,
you don't want to care.

She's nothing to you,
roommate, that's all,
nothing to you,
except a person in meaningless time.

Disappearing,
losing touch,
no matter,
it doesn't matter,
don't care.

Years passing,
your life changing,
the sugar problem changing your life, your family's life,
years passing,
sugar problem enveloping your son, sinking your husband, sugar problem everywhere.
Interest grows real, for the first time, interest is real.

In a bookstore you're wandering, after years passed,
there, there, there in the section, health section,
there, there, there, a book, a picture on the book,
it's her,
the roommate from years past,
her,
she,
and there, there, there, the book, hers, about sugar problems,
a wonderful book, sugar problems, recipe book, sugar problems..

You never knew then,
never knowing.
She never knew.
The roommate,
the strange roommate.

THE BIG 'D' IN PREGNANCY

Had it in pregnancy,
what does it mean?
My mom's mom had it,
the disease that is,
had it bad and died of it,
had it bad and dropped dead because of it.
What does it mean?

My husband has it.
My son has it.
I had it in pregnancy.
What does it mean?
Must I.
I don't.

Will I?
Shall I?
I, get it?
I, catch it?
I, come down with it?
Cannot.
Couldn't bear it.
Cannot go through it.
Will not go through it.
Must not go through it.

But, I might have to,
I might have to walk through the halls of the big 'D'.
Possibilities endless,
and all in the end.

SURFACE CONCERNS

In life, show perfect symmetry,
in life, confound the critics and resemble stone.
Show nothing, give nothing off,
pretend, or even go beyond pretending.

A fortress to itself,
never allowing the bad to seep through,
defend the fortress,
kill the invaders,
a burnt-earth policy, definitely.

But the surface does change, it weathers,
there are cracks and with the cracks,
there is the breach,
and with the breach,
there is the light,
there are the feelings,
there are the unwanted thoughts.

Showing strength,
can never be thorough,
can never be.

Cracks,
seepages,
the end unto itself.

ANNIVERSARY

Not the wedding, not the birthday, not the confirmation, not any of that,
anniversary

Not the dog's birth, not in the travel excursion, not in the job,
anniversary.

Anniversary, commemorating for you, the woman, the mother,
anniversary, defined as a memorable time arriving once a year or thereabouts,
anniversary, a happy time sometimes, a sad times sometimes, but always a time,
anniversary.

You, the day, the anniversary,
every year,
the son, the anniversary, every year,
coming,
arriving and saying hello, the anniversary,
anniversary of your little boy,
not of birth or worse, anniversary of boy though,
Hospital and the boy,
diagnosis and the boy,
three year old boy,
diagnosis of the diabetes, anniversary.

The mother, every year, the anniversary,
remembering the changed life,
her life, anniversary,
not of birth, marriage, confirmation, religious festivals,
anniversary of disease, pure and simple,
anniversary of disease.

Anniversary, no Hallmark cards for this one,
no cards at all,
anniversary, just a grimace for this one,
just a grimace and a tear.

HE WILL DO AS I SAY

Eat, your sugar, you must eat.
No.
Eat I say, eat.
No.
You must. I gave you your insulin.
Eat.
No.
You better. No toys if you don't eat.
Eat.
No.
Eat.
No.
You must, you must eat, insulin, sugar level, falling.
Eat.
Please
I beg
Eat.

Crisis,
sickness,
boy,
will not eat
only barfs,
will not eat.
Sugar dropping.
Threats.
No toys, no TV.
Panic,
death in front of the eyes.
Panic,
death and the loss of a child, thoughts and panic.

Finally, giving up on the approach.
Fetch the dripping sugared water.
Drink,
now,
drink,
now.

Getting the sugar into the system,
getting it in and ending the panic.

The boy, sugar rising finally.
Disaster averted.
No more threats for today.
No more demands to eat.
No more threats.
Eat.
No.
Eat or won't get better.
No.

No more fights for today.
No more.
Sugar, rising.
Sugar, returning to normal.
For today,
no more,
for today,
no more,
for tomorrow,
who knows,
for tomorrow,
who knows.

MOTHER, RESPONSIBILITY, BLAME

I am the mother so there is the responsibility and the shame,
always the shame, the feeling bad, the feeling sorry.

I know it's my fault.
I did this to him.
Forget reason.
Forget logic,
I'm to blame,
my fault,
I am.

He should be healthy,
He should be happy.
I'm to blame.
I'm the one giving him his injections.
I'm the one pricking his fingers.
I'm the one causing the pain.

It's nobody else,
I'm to blame.
Nobody else can gives him his shots.
I'm to blame.
Nobody else can draw blood.
I'm to blame.
And, I must pay the price,
be punished,
be condemned for my crime against my child.

Condemn me now,
forever,
for always,
I need that.


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Last Updated: Wednesday March 16, 2005 16:44:58
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